onza pro series guy Posted September 7, 2012 Report Share Posted September 7, 2012 hear about the tragic crash involving an ice cream van? hundreds and thousands were lost. Some watched would I lie to you Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trials hoe Posted September 7, 2012 Report Share Posted September 7, 2012 (edited) yes, i thought it was lame. hence why it found its way here. Edited September 7, 2012 by trials hoe Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Duncy H Posted September 7, 2012 Report Share Posted September 7, 2012 Why did the Mexican throw his wife off the cliffe? Tequila!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Luke Dunstan Posted September 20, 2012 Author Report Share Posted September 20, 2012 Why did the Mexican throw his wife off the cliffe? Tequila!!!! Ha! nice. Especially with the Avatar. Just been caught shoplifting in ASDA. I paid for 6 cans of Sprite at the self checkout, but when security checked my bag they discovered I'd picked 7 up. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dann2707 Posted September 21, 2012 Report Share Posted September 21, 2012 That's shocking, I love it haha Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Luke Rainbird Posted September 27, 2012 Report Share Posted September 27, 2012 A pirate walks into a bar, his old favourite - although he hasn't been there in a while. Immediately the bartender notices him and says "Haven't seen you in a while, where have you been? You look terrible!" "Eh?" said the pirate, "What do you mean?" "You've got a wooden leg! What happened?" said the bartender. "Well," said the pirate, "Our ship was in a fierce sea battle, and me leg got hit by a cannon ball, but I'm fine now." "What about that hook? What happened to your hand?" again asked the bartender. The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. Me hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook... but I'm fine, really." "What about that eye patch?" "Oh," said the pirate, "One fine day at sea a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them shit in me damn eye." "You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit." "It was me first day with the hook." 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HippY Posted September 27, 2012 Report Share Posted September 27, 2012 if seamens: Jonathan went for a trading ship as a seamen what took 3 months for him. He was in a wooden ship with a limited food and drink and without any women. They arrived, he searched for the pub in the bay and he told - Give me food, drink and a lady! They replied -We have food and drink, but we dont have any women. But we have Rob... -No, I am not of that kind. Then they headed off for a 5 month tour. They arrived back and headed to the pub. -Give me food, drink and a lady! - We still have food and drink, but we dont have any women. Altough we have Rob... -No, I am not of that kind. Now they headed for a 8 month tour. He was hungry and thirsty but he wanted a lady better. -Give me food, drink and a lady! -Sir, we still have food and drink, but we dont have any lady. But there is Rob. -Alright. Let say that i want to be with Rob. Who might know about that? -Firstly you and me. And of course rob and 4 guy who will hold him down. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
isitafox Posted September 29, 2012 Report Share Posted September 29, 2012 And the award for worst joke so far goes to........... 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joe O'Connor Posted October 1, 2012 Report Share Posted October 1, 2012 Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally, sick of the stress he quit his job and bought 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise its total peace and quiet. After six months, or so, of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge bearded man is standing there. "Name's Lars, your neighbor from 40 miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night... Thought you might like to come. About 5:00." "Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you." As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you......be some drinkin'." "Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em" Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too." "Well, I get along with people, I'll be alright. I'll be there, thanks again." "More'n likely be some wild sex, too." "Now that's not really a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea "I've been all alone for six months! I'' definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?" "Don't much matter...... Just gonna be the two of us." 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Luke Dunstan Posted October 2, 2012 Author Report Share Posted October 2, 2012 The pope walks into a mosque, an imam spots him, walks over and asks 'Hey, why the wrong faith?' 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Luke Dunstan Posted October 2, 2012 Author Report Share Posted October 2, 2012 A pirate walks into a bar, his old favourite - although he hasn't been there in a while. Immediately the bartender notices him and says "Haven't seen you in a while, where have you been? You look terrible!" "Eh?" said the pirate, "What do you mean?" "You've got a wooden leg! What happened?" said the bartender. "Well," said the pirate, "Our ship was in a fierce sea battle, and me leg got hit by a cannon ball, but I'm fine now." "What about that hook? What happened to your hand?" again asked the bartender. The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. Me hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook... but I'm fine, really." "What about that eye patch?" "Oh," said the pirate, "One fine day at sea a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them shit in me damn eye." "You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit." "It was me first day with the hook." This is clearly in first place so far. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joe O'Connor Posted October 2, 2012 Report Share Posted October 2, 2012 This girl said she knew me from the Vegetarian club. But I've never met herbivore 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trials hoe Posted October 2, 2012 Report Share Posted October 2, 2012 (edited) Whats the difference between a pimple and a priest? A pimple waits till you're 14 to come on your face. What's 13 inches long, and makes women go absolutely crazy? A miscarriage ......... oooooooooohh (cringe) What is the first symptom of AIDS.... a sharp pounding sensation in your ass. hear about the constipated girl that went to the bbc? jim fixed it for her........ Edited October 3, 2012 by trials hoe Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Luke Dunstan Posted October 4, 2012 Author Report Share Posted October 4, 2012 The BBC News channel just displayed images of three women who claimed that Jimmy Saville interfered with them sexually. They showed a current picture of each of the women and a picture taken of each of them from the 1970s. The caption read: Now, then. Now, then. Now, then. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Duncy H Posted October 4, 2012 Report Share Posted October 4, 2012 What is the definition of a farmer? A man outstanding in his field! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joe O'Connor Posted October 4, 2012 Report Share Posted October 4, 2012 It is tough to do inventories in Afghanistan because of the tally ban Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him.... what? A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Luke Dunstan Posted October 5, 2012 Author Report Share Posted October 5, 2012 I was watching Jurassic park the other day when I thought, "not only has my son got a stupid name, he's also a shit driver". 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Luke Dunstan Posted October 10, 2012 Author Report Share Posted October 10, 2012 What do you do if a bird sh**s on your car? Don’t ask her out again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
isitafox Posted October 10, 2012 Report Share Posted October 10, 2012 I'm a very pessimistic man, like a German vegetarian I fear the worst 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sam Nichols Posted October 10, 2012 Report Share Posted October 10, 2012 Stealing that one! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dibert Theron Posted October 11, 2012 Report Share Posted October 11, 2012 (edited) I came on here to drop the magic tractor one but got beaten by Tom! What does the ocean say to the sand? Nothing, it just waves I sea what you did there... yep I shore did... Edited October 11, 2012 by Dibert Theron Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pashley26 Posted October 11, 2012 Report Share Posted October 11, 2012 How often do I make science jokes? Periodically. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dan6061 Posted October 11, 2012 Report Share Posted October 11, 2012 Wind turbines... I'm a huge fan. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
onza pro series guy Posted October 13, 2012 Report Share Posted October 13, 2012 how many PETA members does it take to change a lightbulb? None. PETA can't change anything. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LukasMcNeal Posted October 13, 2012 Report Share Posted October 13, 2012 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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