The Bad Jokes Thread

[bing]

A small boy has a school home work question to answer, so he asks his father "Dad, what's the

difference between 'theoretically' and 'realistically'?"

His dad thinks and then says "Right-o son, go and ask your Mother if she'd sleep with David

Beckham for a million quid."

The boy runs off and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would! She would sleep with David Beckham for a Million pounds."

"OK son," says his dad. "Now go and ask your sister the same question."

The boy runs off, and comes back saying "Dad, dad", she said "she would too!"

So then his dad says "Right, son, now go and ask your brother if he'd sleep with David Beckham

for a million pounds."

The son comes back excitedly saying "Dad! Dad! He said he would too!"

Well there you have it, son," said his dad.

"Theoretically the family could be sitting on three million quid. Realistically we're living with two tarts and a poof."

Edited May 22, 2014 by bing

[bikeperson45]

Don't agree with the Father's logic there. I know he's fictional, but we wouldn't get on in real life.

[Ross McArthur]

School teacher asks the class to do some homework.

"Come back tomorrow and give me a sentence with the word contagious in it".

Next day Lucy says, "my brother had chicken pocks and it was contagious".

Paul says, "Foot and mouth was contagious for cows".

Harry says "my mummy asked daddy to paint the hall but it’s taking the contagious".

[bikeperson45]

A man sees a bar that says 'Free punch' on the outside. He walks in and says 'hey, where's the free punch'. The bartender tells him to join the queue behind him, but one the man turns around he doesn't see anything.

[JQ1989]

A man gets caught hiding in someones wardrobe, when asked what he's doing he replies "Narnia business".

[dann2707]

A man gets caught hiding in someones wardrobe, when asked what he's doing he replies "Narnia business".

Is that something to do with the chronicles of narnia?

[Blake]

Is that a serious question?

[Luke Dunstan]

Just bought a thesaurus and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank.

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

[Pashley26]

Fitting instructions:

Step 1. Lay on the floor

Step 2. Shake uncontrollably

[ManxTrialSpaz]

Fitting instructions:

Step 1. Lay on the floor

Step 2. Shake uncontrollably

This is no place for your sickipedia jokes. Though I did have to send that to people the other day.

[TrialsIsHard]

Why didn't the chicken cross the road?

Because that would be a fowl proceeding.

[*gentlydoesit]

Why did the penguin cross the road?

Because he was selotaped to the chicken.

Why did the mad scottsman jump off a cliff?

Because he had a strawberry in his ear.

[The_Zulu]

What kind of coordination does Whitney Houston lack?

HAAAAAAAAND EEEEEEYYYYEEEEE

[bing]

Next weeks Animal Hospital where Rolf Harris explains how to handle a young beaver has apparently been cancelled.

[LiamWood!]

Did you know that you had to pull anal beads out slowly?

I didn't.

I started the missus like a f**king chainsaw.

[JD™]

[insert joke from Sickipedia here]

[*gentlydoesit]

Bump, because i miss it.

A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her - good looking as well.

Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods.

He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?

Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'

He answer, "Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going to sh*t yourself when I tell you the price!"

Edited November 12, 2015 by *gentlydoesit

[OlegTinkov]

Russian book of torture by Tucker Titsov.

[*gentlydoesit]

During a visit to the mental asylum, Guy asked the Director what the criterior was that defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' said Guy. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or teacup.

'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'

Edited November 19, 2015 by *gentlydoesit

[AdamAllen]

Did you hear about the kidnapping at the school?

Don't worry, they've woke up now. 

[isitafox]

And God said unto John

"Come forth and you shall be granted eternal life" 

But John came fifth and instead won a toaster. 

[Tom Booth]

You sat on that steamer for 5 years?

 

 

 

I dunno how you managed to keep that to yourself...

[marg26]

On 05/07/2014 at 11:54 PM, JD™ said:

[insert joke from Sickipedia here]

NASA have landed a Rover on Mars after a 300million mile voyage. f**king Hell, the one I drove in the 90s barely used to make it to Sainsbury's.

[isitafox]

4 hours ago, Tom Booth said:

You sat on that steamer for 5 years?

 

 

 

I dunno how you managed to keep that to yourself...

Been going through (most of) this with the kids and I had to get it bumped up! 

[bikeperson45]

The Tower of Pisa has fallen over, there weren't enough tourists to hold it up.

 

This is still my favourite lockdown joke.