Deliberate Self Harm/suicide

[Hannah Shucksmith]

Thats a pretty horrible read I have to say.

I'm gonna just let you know I have zero depression problems etc so this may be a stupid and / or hurtful question, but i'll plough on regardless. Some of those things I can sort of get my head around as its kinda spur of the moment.

Some of the methods, however, require some planning. Do you think 'today feels like a cold water bath day' then go to the shop, buy a load of ice, go home wait for the bath to fill then jump in thinking 'f**k me this is cold'? Are you crying at this point or has it become an every day activity?

Sorry again for my ignorance.

Most are planned to some extent; I'll promise myself "I will cut 20 times if..." When it comes to sitting in freezing baths, they too are planned. I will run the bath whilst I go out to get the ice cubes and rationally-minded pour the ice into the bath ready to sit it. It's rare that I cry during an episode of self harm. I usually scratch at the skin or scars first and then remind myself that "of course self harm is going to hurt!" and "i deserve the pain" before making the first deep cut. I often give myself a deadline, almost, and I'll tell myself that if I can do or succeed in something before the hour is over, then I won't need to self harm. I often wake up and think "today is a self harm day", although I'm slowly managing to break free from this chain.

Sorry if this makes no sense, ha! I've a bit too much to drink!

Edit: Sorrrrryyyy, re-reading back your comment it's an everyday occurance. For breakfast, lunch and dinner I used to harm. It's been 5 days now since I last intentionally hurt.

Edited July 21, 2011 by Hannah Shucksmith

[anzo]

Never attempted suicide or self harmed...I can't relate to anyone who has or does, life has mood swings, bad days, good days, shit days, loss and gain, it all depends if you can handle it, surely?

[ZeroMatt]

It all depends if you can handle it, surely?

No

[Revolver]

it all depends if you can handle it, surely?

For people who self harm, harming them self is handling it.

[Luke Dunstan]

I genuinly think most people who claim to be depressed aren't.

If it's a cry for attention it's pathetic, if you're mentally ill in the sense you have lost your marbles then it's different.

[Hannah Shucksmith]

For people who self harm, harming them self is handling it.

This. It's a coping mechanism and a goddam horrible one at that. That's when the suicidal ideation kicks in; when the pain inside outweighs any coping mechinism including self harm.

@Luke: out of curiosity do you believe anyone who self harms does it for attention? I can see why you'd think that, don't get me wrong, but surely anyone who self harms has something wrong inside their head. Even if they are doing to for attention, and the wanted attention is for someone to notice how much they hurt inside, and how much they're crying out for help and speaking through the self inflicted wounds?

Edited July 21, 2011 by Hannah Shucksmith

[TheSnowden]

I got lucky,

My cousin threw himself off a 70ft bridge into a river.. fortunately he misjudged how far out he was and hit the back after just 20ft tumbling down and ending up with 2 black eyes, a broken nose and a helluva lot of cuts; the near-suicide attempt has changed him and our family. Hopefully we won't have anything like that again.

[Tomm]

Hannah. If you really want to tell that nurse how you felt, go to A+E, speak to receptionists etc and work out who it was and write a card directly to her. Working as an A+E nurse is possibly the most under-appreciated job in the world and no one ever writes thank you letters.

Question: Does your mood fluctuate? By that I mean, I know you have had low mood, but the natural progression of someone with depression is of a fluctuating course, periods of predominantly low mood and then a return to normal moods for a time. I've seen your long list of diagnoses, the two that stand out are depression and borderline personality. How much of your self-harming do you think is related to the former, and how much to the latter? Do you still self-harm when your mood is OK? Just curious.

[Hannah Shucksmith]

Hannah. If you really want to tell that nurse how you felt, go to A+E, speak to receptionists etc and work out who it was and write a card directly to her. Working as an A+E nurse is possibly the most under-appreciated job in the world and no one ever writes thank you letters.

Question: Does your mood fluctuate? By that I mean, I know you have had low mood, but the natural progression of someone with depression is of a fluctuating course, periods of predominantly low mood and then a return to normal moods for a time. I've seen your long list of diagnoses, the two that stand out are depression and borderline personality. How much of your self-harming do you think is related to the former, and how much to the latter? Do you still self-harm when your mood is OK? Just curious.

TL;DR: I'm screwed in the head.

I asked in A&E, ICU and the acute unit I was on during the admission but no one seems to know who she is from my account given. I was stupid enough to not even ask her name when I saw her in the coffee shop. I think if I'm ever admitted again I'll try a lot harder to source her name, but as of now I'm making an effort to not return to A&E, even if it is only to find out who she is!

My mood is constantly up and down. I'm not sure when you looked at my list of diagnoses (I'm presuming you've viewed them via my blog, though?) and I've had Bi-Polar Disorder slapped on my head since I last posted a link to aformentioned blog on here. All of the mental health practioners couldn't decide whether I was Borderline or Bi-Polar because I fit heavily into both diagnostic criterias. I exhibit all Bi-Polar symptoms, including the euphoria and severe depression, however I'm not in each state long enough for it to be considered Bi-Polar. They are convinced that unless I'm given the right help it will stem into full blown Bi-Polar.

With my moods, I find myself either in an extremely low or extremely high state. I will self harm no matter what mood I'm in. It is noticable that I actually self harm when in a euphoric state than depressive state (I'll make note of why in a second). I can't put my finger on what diagnosis sways me towards the self harm but I'm fairly sure that it isn't the depression. When I'm in a state of exhibiting severe depressive emotions the thought or doing of self harm isn't really enough to make me cope. Instead, I just go from being 'normal' or euphoric to completely fleeting suicidal ideation.

When I'm depressive I tend not to self harm because I actually just can't be bothered. I tend to literally lay in bed for around a week at a time and I won't get up for anything - not even to source a blade. I'll not eat, drink, piss. Nada. I literally lay there and stare at the ceiling thinking how nice it would be to cut away, but physically cannot find it in me to move out of bed. I do take note of how my self harm differs when I'm in different moods. If I do self harm when I'm depressive it tends to be more 'controlled'. I'll pick a place on my body, allow myself a certain number of cuts, I'll clean and sew or steri-strip adequately and bandage. I tend to do it maybe one or twice a day and I am more aware of the physical sensations that come with it.

When I'm in a euphoric state I'm absolutely wild. I've been detained under the 136 act more times than I can remember. I have no idea what I'm doing. I honestly believe I'm Superman and I'll go around telling random persons in the street that I can fly. I'll stand on the edge of a multi-storey carpark and as far as I'm aware I could jump and survive. I've been known to tell people I can hear what they're thinking and am convinced of it. I run for miles and miles (I'm half-marathon training, go me!) and have no recollection of doing so until I wake up the next morning and my legs feel like jelly, my trainers still muddy and near the front door. Everything I do is very disordered when I'm euphoric, including my self harm. I can walk into the kitchen, reach for the nearest knife and cut cut cut until I physically cannot see where the deepest cuts are or I've hit an artery or vein. I slice away repeatedly and feel I cannot stop. I've often been bundled to the floor (in supermarkets, in the high street, at the hospital etc.) because I just don't know when enough is enough. I've contracted many infections when I self harm during a euphoric phase because I get a high out of sticking foreign objects in my arm and using dirtied blades etc. I also don't clean the wound properly when I'm euphoric and leave it gaping for a few hours or a day until I can find it in me to reach for my DSH kit.

I'm never really in an 'okay' state of mind. I experience states of what I would consider to be numbness, and in those states I'm usually swaying more towards suicidal ideation than euphoria or wanting to self harm. I can't do anything when I'm numb in the way of feeling things. I can't cry, either. I just sit there with nothing in my head and I exhibit maladaptive behaviour in regards to how I should feel and think about things. For example, during my stay at Melbury Lodge one of the patients managed to hang herself in the shower room after being taken off of 1:1 observations. I remember hearing a blood-curdling scream and I poked my head around the door to see her hanging. I don't remember thinking "f**k! A dead body!" I didn't scream, didn't shake, didn't vomit. Just kinda thought "Oh, she's dead."

I self harm for 3 reasons:

1) Punishment: If I've upset someone, if I've binged, if I just don't feel good enough etc.

2) To speak: I find myself unable to express how I feel. If my body is red raw, I'm usually red raw inside.

3) To bring happiness to an end: I don't feel as though I deserve to be happy. When I am happy, something bad will always follow. I self harm so that I can control the bad thing - the bad thing being self harm. I am therefore saving myself from worse things that I cannot control.

I don't self harm so much now. It's been 5 days since I last caused an injury although I still have massive urges. When I was in hospital it reached a peak. I would wake up, reach for the blade and cut. I'd shower, cut in the shower, eat breakfast, sit in my room and cut, eat lunch, sit in my room and cut, eat dinner, sit in my room and cut, shower, cut in the shower, sit in my room and cut, sleep. Wake up, repeat. I kept my sharps in undiscoverable areas and I was room searched every other day. I was occassionally put on 2:1 observations (2 nurses within arms reach at all times) so I couldn't cut. I'd headbutt the wall and scratch my arms until they stuck a needle in my backside and knocked me out.

For reference, my blog is still www.hannahcanhope.tumblr.com, I've updated my diagnoses recently.

Sorry for the essay!

[shamus]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PkvWOAJeZmM

Don't want anyone taking offence but these two sum up outlooks I kind of share and Scroobius Pip is far more eloquent then me!

Never understood self harm, but then thats because everyone is unique. I don't even know how I'd react to someone seeking advice as I've (very fortunately) never had to.

I know people who've lost friends/famil members to suicide and its horrible how broken it leaves a family, frienship group, communities and in one instance have a consequence of another suicide. Although this seems harsh and I know the reasons behind it but I despise hearing about a suicide which has been carried out in such a manner it has traumatised an innocent bystander albeit a driver or just an innocent bystander

This has turned into way too long a reply, I'm done.