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Ben Beckett

By Ben Beckett
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Ben Beckett Trials Master

Ben Beckett

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Posted (edited)

just tell us some funny jokes. (Y)

enjoy

I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month. My fiancee's mother is not only very attractive but really great and understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond what we had expected it to be.

When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred ... then she floored me. She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me.

Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the front door was if I wanted to leave.

I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew exactly how to deal with this situation. I headed straight out the front door...

There, leaning against my car was her husband, my father-in-law to be. He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he congratulated me on passing their little test.

Abby, should I tell my fiancee' what her parents did, and that I thought their "little test" was asinine and insulting to my character? Or should I keep the whole thing to myself including the fact that the reason I was walking out to my car was to get a condom.

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.

"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have -- meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks toward the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened.

The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.

"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."

The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.

After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."

Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in, he's going to test him.

The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen.

He tells his wife, "Sue, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."

Sue complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, "Hey I didn't know that Sue worked here..."

One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor." His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. And it only costs £10.00.

Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the £10.00. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks.......

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the £10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its lights, and printed out the following analysis: Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant ....... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better.

feel free to comment and add your own jokes. :D

Edited by ben beckett
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20inchsuperstar Trials King

20inchsuperstar

Posted
Posted

when im big, fat and juicy......

A cucumber, onion and a penis are sitting around talking about when they get big, fat and juicy...

The cucumber says; When i get big, fat and juicy, they cut me into bits and put me in sandwiches.

The onion replies; that's nothing! when i get big, fat and juicy, i get covered in spices!.. then they try to drown me in a jar of vinegar!

The penis tells the two; When I get big, fat and juicy, they put me in a rubber straight-jacket, put me in a dark, smelly room and whack my head against the walls until i throw up!!!

B)

Matt

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max-t Too Much Spare Time

max-t

Posted
Posted

just tell us some funny jokes. (Y)

enjoy

I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month. My fiancee's mother is not only very attractive but really great and understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond what we had expected it to be.

When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred ... then she floored me. She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me.

Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the front door was if I wanted to leave.

I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew exactly how to deal with this situation. I headed straight out the front door...

There, leaning against my car was her husband, my father-in-law to be. He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he congratulated me on passing their little test.

Abby, should I tell my fiancee' what her parents did, and that I thought their "little test" was asinine and insulting to my character? Or should I keep the whole thing to myself including the fact that the reason I was walking out to my car was to get a condom.

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.

"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have -- meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks toward the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened.

The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.

"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."

The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.

After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."

Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in, he's going to test him.

The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen.

He tells his wife, "Sue, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."

Sue complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, "Hey I didn't know that Sue worked here..."

One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor." His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. And it only costs £10.00.

Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the £10.00. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks.......

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the £10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its lights, and printed out the following analysis: Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant ....... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better.

feel free to comment and add your own jokes. :D

ben beckett

hahahahahaha

damn :angry: beat me to it

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arw_86 Trials Master

arw_86

Posted
Posted

what goes in and out and stinks of piss?

your nan doing the hokey cokey

what did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

wiped his arse

i was complimented on my driving the other day, when i got back to my car a lovely person had left something on my windscreen it read, "parking fine" which i thought was nice

a man with no arms and legs is lying on the beach when three beautiful girls take pity and come up to him.

the first girl asks "have you ever been hugged?" he shakes his head, so feeling sorry she gives him a hug

the second girl asks "have you ever been kissed" again the man shakes his head, and the girls decides to give him a kiss

the tihird girl suddenly asks "have you ever been f****d?" the mans eyes light up and he says "no!!", getting all excited

she then replies...."you are now!! the tides coming in!"

at 7am a lone wife hears the keys in the front door and wonders down all bleary eyed amd tired. she goes in the kitchen to see her husband all drunk, ruffled shirt and lipstick on his collar!

the wife snarles "i asume there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at seven in the morning?!!"

"there is" he replies calmly "breakfast."

two bats meet up after a midnight feed, dave comes back saying "i caught bugger all tonight brian! you must of had a class night feeding with all the blood ozzing from around your mouth , you lucky b*****d. take to where you got the food cos im starving and need some monch"

"ok dave" brian says "ill take you there now"

after a short flight brian says to dave "you see that tree over there mate?"

"yes" dave says

brian replies " i f*****g didnt!!"

and finally....

two dwarfs have just won the lottery, so they decide to go and hire two prostitutes and take them to a hotel room to celebrate. the first dwarf tries desperately all night to get an erection but its just not happening, because all he can hear next door is his mate going "1, 2, 3 huh!" this goes on repeatedly all night.

the next morning the second dwarf asks "so, how did it go"

the first dwarf replies "s**t i couldnt even get an erection! how was your night?"

the second dwarf turns anround a replies "even worse i couldnt even get on the bed!!"

some oldies but goodies

adam

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Trials Maniac Trials Monkey

Trials Maniac

Posted
Posted (edited)

ok

all good so far!!

A man wearing a balaclava bursts into a sperm bank with a shot gun. "Open the f*****g safe!" he yells at the girl behind the counter. "But we're not a real bank" replies the girl. "This is a sperm bank, we don't hold money". "Don't argue just open the safe or I'll blow your f*****g head off!" She obliges and opens the safe door.

"Take one of the bottles and drink it!"

"But it's full of sperm" the girl replies nervously.

"Don't argue, just drink it" he says. She prises off the cap and gulps it down.

"Take out another one and drink it too!" he demands. The girl drinks another one. Suddenly the guy pulls off the balaclava and to the girl's amazement it's her husband.......

"Not that f*****g difficult is it?" he says

............................................................................................................................................................

CODE WORD FOR SEX

A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter.

One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter".

The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.

A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."

The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."

FAITHFUL OR UNFAITHFUL?

Three men died and stood in front of God.

God asked the first if he had been faithful to his wife. He admitted to two affairs during his marriage. God gave him a compact car to drive in heaven.

The second man admitted to only one affair and was given a midsize car.

The third man was asked the same question and said that he had been faithful to his wife until the day he died. God praised him and gave him a big luxury car.

A week later the three guys met in a parking lot. The man driving the luxury car began to cry.

"What's the matter?"

"I just passed my wife, and she was riding a bike!"

...........................

Three builders are at the top of a building putting on the roof when they decide its time for a lunch break. They all sit down and open there lunchboxes. They all open there lunchboxes to what te have got. The first builder says; o not again i allways get jam sandwhiches and i hate jam. if i get jam tomorrow im going to jump of this scaffolding and commit suicide. The second builder nd third builder also say the sam thing (they all had jam sanwhiches). the next day they all have there lunch break. The first builder, once again has jam sandwhiches so jumps of the scaffolding and dies. THe same also happens to the other two buildes. On hearinf the news the three wives of the builders meet up. The first wife says "If wish he had told me he didn't like jam sandwhiches" The second wife agrees with her. They both look towards the third wife wholkes slightly puzzled. The second wife says "you seem confused". The wife replies, " i just don't get it....he made his own sandwhiches!!!"

Edited by Trials Maniac
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Ben Beckett Trials Master

Ben Beckett

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Posted

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again;

"So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

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trials wannabe Trials Monkey

trials wannabe

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Posted (edited)

a man walks into a sex shop and asks for a blow up girlfriend and the shop owners says "what one would u like the english woman or the muslim woman?" and the man said "whats the diffference?" then the owner relplyed "well the muslim one blows herself up!" :lol:

ps. sorry if this offends anyone

Edited by trials wannabe
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Ben Beckett Trials Master

Ben Beckett

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Posted

Michael Jackson joke

If you play thriller backwards, you can hear Michael confessing all the names of the boys he touched. That's why it is 14 minutes long.

HAAAAA :P

ow you want michael jackson jokes do you!!.........

........what does michael jackson and jack denials have in common?

they are both 12 year old liquors!

lmaon.

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