A low carb ketogenic diet has no benefits over a high carb non-ketogenic diet.
You can stick to 1-2 glasses of water a day if you eat plenty of fruit / veg. (I'll have a look for the article that explains why theres no point to drinking all that water.)
Also, you want moderately high fats, low saturated fats and roughly 1g of protein per pound of your over all weight.
Buy a set of dumbbells, get cheap secondhand ones from ebay / gumtree and do as many of these exercises as possible.
Edit* Try taking Acai, Multivitamins and Fish Oils (not cod liver, cod liver oil is full of all the off cuts).
This should keep you going for a while.
Edit2* This isn't the exact article I was on about but the points are similar. Clicky.